The Virtual Corkscrew Museum's Weekly Newspaper

The Swiss Army

Soldiers in the Swiss army are demanding more effective weaponry after centuries of being armed only with handy little penknives.

Switzerland has been forced to remain neutral in successive European conflicts including World War Two, when it was feared that a small national force armed only with pocket knives featuring corkscrews and toothpicks might prove ineffective against the Hitler’s massed panzer divisions.

But now the soldiers in Switzerland’s armed forces are protesting at the humiliation of training and parading armed only with little red penknives. ‘Training is rubbish.’ said Karl-Heinz Schmidt of the 4th Mountain Tweezers Division. ‘Last week had to crawl on our bellies towards a stable, then storm inside and get a stone out of a horse’s hoof. Later, we were shown how to use our weapons to keep our toenails short and open a bottle of lemonade.’

The Swiss Defence Minister defended their army’s traditional weaponry pointing out that their elite special forces also have a little cuticle pusher and letter opener. However after much debate the country is resolved to embark upon major modernization of its armaments programme that will make Switzerland one of the world’s major military powers . Airports have been warned to be extra vigilant towards travellers carrying penknives with pull-out tactical nuclear weapons.

Editor's Note: This article appeared in the online tongue-in-cheek website News Biscuit on March 5, 2007.

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Switzerland Invades Liechtenstein

Zurich, Switzerland -- What began as a routine training exercise almost ended in an embarrassing diplomatic incident after a company of Swiss soldiers got lost at night and marched into neighboring Liechtenstein. According to Swiss daily Blick, the 170 infantry soldiers wandered just over a mile across an unmarked border into the tiny principality early Thursday before realizing their mistake and turning back.

Editor's Note: While our first story from News Biscuit is tongue-in-cheek, this story was widely reported in the news media in early March 2007.

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85 Blade Swiss Army Knife

This is an eighty-five tool Swiss Army knife, including golf shoe spike wrench, a bike chain rivet setter, laser pointer with a 300 foot range and a corkscrew. The knife is made by Wenger in Basel, Switzerland and has a retail price of $1200.

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From the Editor's Desk

My wife and I are celebrating our 39th Wedding Anniversary this month. When I went to look for an appropriate card, I had a bit of good luck:

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French Army Knife

Submitted by reader Ron MacLean.

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